28 septembre, 2005

10 mois de plus !

10 mois se sont écoulés depuis mon dernier post.

10 mois pendant lesquels, il a réapparu dans ma vie, y a à nouveau tout cassé me reprenant sous son emprise.
C'est parce que ces derniers jours je cherche de l'aide que je suis revenue ici. Revenue pour relire ce dont j'avais pris conscience et qu'il a su me faire oublier !

Si aujourd'hui j'ai à nouveau la force de me battre c'est indirectement grace à l'homme que j'évoque dans un de mes premiers posts, sans la "bouffée d'oxygène" qu'il m'a donné je ne sais où je serai aujourd'hui.
Le constat de mon incapacité à lui faire confiance, à lui donner mon amour m'a ouvert les yeux sur mon niveau d'aliénation et sur la gravité de mon état mental.

Il me faut continuer ce blog jusqu'à la victoire sur Le Monstre, car si ce n'est pas moi qui gagne, il me détruira.

Je sais ne pouvoir trouver aucune aide si ce n'est d'autres témoignages, des lectures, et la parole sur ce blog, qui me conforteront dans mon combat.

Mes termes sont guerriers et en me relisant je m'en rends compte mais c'est bien de cela qu'il s'agit.

Il est mon ENNEMI.

Si j'avais compris cela plus vite, je n'en serai peut-être pas là. Car au fond de moi, j'ai toujours cru qu'il m'aimait et les autres autour ont conforté cette idéee, ne sachant rien de lui, de nous. Puisqu'il m'aimait je pouvais souffrir ! J'en ris en l'écrivant ! le devoir, le sacrifice et tout ce que ma mère m'a transmis ! quel bullshit !

Je crois qu'enfin j'ai compris qu'il me HAIT pour ce que je représente et qu'il n'a pas. En tuant ce qu'il envie chez moi, il a l'impression d'exister, d'être quelqu'un plutôt que le rien qu'il sait être au fond de lui.

C'est cette haine qui répond à toutes mes questions, mes "pourquoi ?". Cette haine qui dégouline pour peu qu'on veuille la voir, pour peu que je l'admette, moi à qui ce sentiment est étranger !

Ce sont mes "comment est ce possible ?", "il ne peut pas penser ce qu'il dit ?" qui m'ont enlisé pendant toutes ces années ! Si j'avais pu admettre que la haine et la perversion existent, les choses auraient été plus simples, plus faciles et surtout il ne m'aurait pas choisi !!!!

Quand j'y pense !
Qu'il a du jouir de tomber sur si belle proie !!!!
J'étais rayonnante quand je l'ai connu, souriante , riant sans cesse, amusant la galerie, charmant l'auditoire, affirmant mes convictions idéalistes et altruistes !!!! Une vraie brebis de concours pour le loup qu'il est !
Une brebis qui a cru qu'elle sauverait ce vilain méchant loup, si terne, si éffacé, si triste (!)

Et moi la brebis-fée j'allais d'un coup de baguette magique et de poudre d'amour et de compréhension révéler l' homme brillant et heureux qui sommeillait en lui !!!
Ma capacité à vivre dans le rêve est véritablement affligeante !

Aujourd'hui je me regarde et je me fais peur.
Les moments où je suis moi même sont devenus de plus en plus rares. Si je n'avais rencontré Julien je ne sais à quel niveau de déchéance j'en serai aujourd'hui. Son intelligence, sa douceur, sa folie douce, son talent, ses talents, sont autant de rappels que Vincent est un minable ! Comme des petits cartons rouges que je peux m'agiter sous le nez quand je me sens à nouveau envahir par la compassion envers mon bourreau.


Cela fait deux ans que j'ai fui Paris pour le fuire lui et il a réussi à coup de msn quotidien (sans aucun intérêt), de coups de fils (sans aucun intérêt non plus) à me ferrer à nouveau comme une docile vache qu'on emmène à l'abattoir !


Donc me voilà à nouveau sur ce blog que je croyais pouvoir jeter (www.histoireajeter.blogspot.com) mais qui redevient d'une cruelle actualité !

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